Friday, April 15, 2005

A month later...

Cant believe it's been that long since what I last wrote about. Doesnt seem that long. Just got to see Manuel for a week. It was great except for the ending like always...but it really wasnt like always. Why is because the goodbye was tough on me. Tougher than any other goodbye I've ever had to say in my entire life..and it scared me. It scared me when I was holding his arm praying I could have time to kiss him when I knew I wouldnt....and fearing him actually getting on that bus knowing I wouldnt see him for weeks. That sucks. I dont even remember there being cars or people around watching. I do remember my mom telling me I was embaressing myself and I also remember feeling so worked up and amazed at the screaming coming out of my mouth yelling his name and "Dont go". How embaressing now...because he didnt come back. I dropped to the ground and hit it crying. Was I insane? Am I? I ran into the nearest store where I was sure there was a payphone...put 50 cents in and dialed his number. The voice on the other end wasn't his but was telling me to deposit another 25 cents. I didnt have it. I had too many tears all over my face and too little makeup...too bummy of I asked three nearest people in the store...including two that worked there if they had a quarter. The man who owns the place had a phone. He asked,"Are you OK!?" I ignored him but sort of shook my head as if I didnt care to tell him..I dialed his number..which needs a 1 dialed before the entire thing that I forgot. When it told me to dial it, I realized it might cost him long distance money. The last thing I heard the man said was,"Where do I recognize this girl from?" one of the women said,"She's always in here" and he said,"Oh yeah she used to come in here all the time with her boyfriend. Billy." That was the point where I walked out of the store. I couldn't take it. I hung up the phone and said,"Nevermind. I'll find another phone. Thank you. Im sorry. Thank you."...I could feel them looking at me as I ran out of the store...I knew their eyes were wondering if I was crazy..or telling themselves I was.

The week WAS awesome. The beginning, especially. He came on Friday. I waited at the stop for so long in the car for him to get off the bus. The wait I remember sucked...but when that bus came my heart pounded in my chest and I felt a huge smile grow on my face. I wanted to look good for him. I was happy. He got off and I saw him carrying my pink pillow he brought home with him. I got out to hug him, but from the hug I could tell he didnt feel good. Was tired. He had a long night. The car drive home he rested his head in my lap and I rubbed his back thinking how thankful I was to have him there and how much I love being with him in real life compared to chatting over the net constantly. We were finally together again. That night my dad cooked on the grill. We watched some golf on tv which was something new and pretty exciting. Then we went outside to play catch. I finally was able to throw a football. We started a game that night on Play Station called Snake Eater. It was addictive. Just watching him play was enough for me. Saturday we went out to eat with my aunt and her boyfriend at Chilis. Interesting night. Food sucked but I'd do it all over again just to have a good time with him, which I did have regardless of the lack of yumminess the dinner had to offer. It was a nice time. He was going to leave Sunday but I got him to stay Monday with permission from my dad. I got a call Monday saying I'd be working Tuesday and so he ended up staying because that put a lot of pressure on me. Monday morning from 9-4 I out and heard about how much he missed me and two hours later I was at school from 6-9...that was a lonely day for him and I couldnt wait to get home and see him. That previous night I had not slept until late so my body was very tired by the time the day was finished. I had work the next day as well as school...he ended up staying AGAIN. I think he was going to leave after I got home from work but it cut so close to going to school that he decided to stay so I could see him when I got home from school. I had barely any time to spend with him if we only saw eachother when I got home from work. That night I remember holding him and saying,"You would of been gone right now"...and I was filled with happiness that I had that night with him. I told myself I was not going to fall asleep regardless of if I had to work the next day...because I knew for sure the next morning would be my last goodbye.

That morning came, it was second day of work. I was still nervous because the job wasnt all that familiar to me yet. I barely had time to give him a kiss goodbye. The door opened and I had to get into was OK at time went by and I was sorting clothes and I started panicking. I knew I wouldnt see him when I got home and that scared me. Why? Because this work thing was getting to me. It was cutting down the time I had to spend with him. He began spending more time with my family in a day than me. I had to make a phone call. After about 3 hours of sorting SO many clothes, I asked for my break...ran to the payphone and called my dad. I asked him what he thought because he's known to be the decision maker. It was up to my mom, he told me. I called home and nicely talked to my mom about how I felt. I didnt want to get on anyones bad side. I was just having a hard time getting through work and would continue feeling empty if I knew he'd leave and I wouldnt see him again. I couldnt know he was leaving and I wouldnt be there. I got a yes answer from my mom but now it was up to him. He said he'd stay until I got home atleast. He wasnt sure if he had to leave today so he'd decide when I got there. Thank God. I was so relieved.

My day went a lot better from there. I finished up work and my mom even came in to look around at the end of my shift. She told me he was in the car. I found out he hadnt been feeling well and, from him, he had just woken up. I was in the store with my mom showing her clothes I put away and really liked. Finally I went out to the car and saw him lying down in the front seat. I got to hug him and he looked very tired. I felt so bad that he had to go through the days with me being gone the whole time. I got home and went into my bed where I wanted so badly to rest. He rubbed my back and we layed together for a while. I had to get ready for school and yet again he was about to leave but he decided he'd stay because he didnt have to get home. The next day I wouldnt have work until 5pm so him staying would be perfect since we'd have TIME to actually spend together. Fucking finally.

He dropped me off at school...and I gave him a bit of a hard time about it which im still sorry about...and then picked me up. It was very cute...the ride home with him. He was telling me about the new work shirt he picked out for me when he went shopping with my mom and sibling while I was at school...the snacks he got especially for me and the dinner they had ready for me. It was sweet. Unfortunately, despite the great night and fine time at school, I had weird cramps and so for a few minutes of the ride I was anxious to get home and felt sick as a dog. = \ But I got home and felt better after a few minutes of bathroom time. ; ) We watched a bit of tv and I cuddled with him on the couch. I ended up falling ASLEEP! Again. Ugh. I remember we talked about something that bothered me and he left me in the livingroom alone which was a mistake being that I had to KEEP myself awake as it was to be with him on his last night with me. I remember him waking me up a few times and I know my body just wouldnt do it even though my mind was saying I was getting up though I wasnt. Finally around 330am I woke up. Sucked..but we made love and it felt nice...except when HE was tired. I realized what I had done. haha. Sleeping wasnt a good thing but it wasnt completely my fault. So we set the alarm for 730 am so we could actually spend awake time together. Ended up waking up at 130pm. That sucked too. We were definitely jinxed. No doubt about it. Boo. = (

SOOOO the story is about to end. That sucks too. Basically we were coming up with a way he could stay and that could only be if his parents were going to NJ on Friday and would pass by us. THEY TOLD HIM they would get him from my place...anyways...I wanted HIM to talk to my mom about it because she'd somehow get me to be the person to ask her and then that of course would get ugly and she'd say no. I left the room for a second and yup..she pulled me aside. She heard us. Not long after, he walked out of my room...I guess he was planning on telling her but too late. She brought my dad into it, so I called him to confirm if he would really be upset if Manuel stayed. That was negative. He didnt care. So my mom and I talked about it...or argued...and time was going by. On the clock I noticed he'd be leaving in 4 minutes if I didnt get my mom to say yes. Did I think I was being selfish? Yes because I did request so many days for him to stay. BUT, I felt like it was ok to ask for many reasons. One being...he already stayed til whats the diff if he stays until Friday because his parents can pick him up and it wont cost anything. The original PLAN consisted of his parents saying they could come my way. -shrugs. Dont know what happened to that. Also, I had been at work and school for a majority of the time. I honestly felt like the time him and I had together was RUSHED. My sleeping wasnt my fault. My body shut down on me and I had zero amounts of energy. -sigh. So, he had to go...but I thought he was preparing to leave because my mom was already saying no so much that he figured he'd end up leaving...but I knew it wouldnt work that way. I knew that if I talked to my mom on a sincere level, she'd say yes. Thats what I always lack, is talking in an honest way so she can hear me out and I wont be screaming. We DID get to that point where I had said sorry and I WAS actually sorry. She left the decision up to Manuel and he started saying he couldnt stay even with a yes answer...this one ONE minute before he HAD to leave...possibly later.

I was confused. I hadnt heard this. He told me he had to go but not because he got word from his parents but because my mom and dad were saying no and he wasnt sure. It turned out that his brother got yelled at for him and that was "what happened" that played a big part in him having to leave. What I didnt understand was I was in the room when he was on the phone with his brother and he hadnt said anything about that. Infact, he still wanted to stay after talking to his brother. And I wasnt around for any following phone call so I didnt see it or hear it occur and wasnt aware that he COULDNT stay. All that talking out with my mom and dad and he said he couldnt stay regardless. This left me 20 seconds to put my shoes on and run out the door with hair and makeup undone..I was in sweats and a dirty hoody. Wtf. That was horrible. I was crying so much at that point because he didnt tell me exactly why he couldnt stay. If I knew that my parents giving a yes wouldnt make a difference, I wouldnt have spent that time talking to my MOM about it...but to him. = ( I would have spent that time kissing him, telling him how much I loved him and making sure he didnt leave without me getting to look at his face one more time and smile. None of that worked. The whole ride, which was about -1 minute I couldnt get a word in. He was trying to make me happy but I was so upset at that point. My boyfriend was leaving and I knew I'd see him again sometime but not for a while. Who WOULD be happy with someone they love leaving? Who wouldnt rather them stay for one more hour or know they could hold them that night rather than in two weeks? I know that doesnt justify the way I acted, but thats what I was thinking the entire time. How I seriously COULDNT let him go because it would kill me inside. I should have been in a different state of mind and I wish I was. The tears I cry when he leaves arent like the ones I cried the other day. The tears I cry normally for him are from being sad. From loving him and dealing with a long distance relationship. The other day I was crying because I was desperate for him to stay. It was more than sadness, it was anger and fear and complete shock. I couldnt believe he was pulling away from me and running across the street as I cried his name.

Was he doing the right thing? Yea, definitely. I realize that. Im not blinded by the obvious truth. Theres just feelings I have that I do I know when Im wrong in ways but I always have my reasons for which Im right on the flip side. This time I wasnt right but I will say that I didnt intend to hurt anybody by it. I didnt want to stress him out so much and upset him by calling and crying over the phone. I didnt want to scare him by saying things. A lot of things I said came out because the clock was ticking and I had limited time to see if I could get him back. I've never had to deal with what I dealt with yesterday. I hope I never do again...but I do know now how my first reaction is to something like that. It scares me but now that I know I can work on it. Write about it and realize where I was wrong. I knew THEN that I was wrong, but once your caught in a mood and start bringing it out physically you cant always stop that frame of mind. So now the damage is done and whatever hurt I caused or bad feelings I stirred up, I cant fix really..because I cant take back what I did. No matter what. I can only fix the future. And people can think Im bullshitting when I say I'll improve, and thats fine because Im not perfect so some things about me will always remain partly the same. I cant cleanse myself of all things negative, though I wish I could. But I really cant. Am I crazy? I think everyone can be crazy in different situations...but mostly I think it was my stubborness, selfishness, childish side of me. Im only 16. I can be older in some ways, but in many Im still only 16 and I cant BE older than I am. Im not used to dealing with something this hard emotionally.

I've never had problems with relationships. I've had very few because Im picky about who I date...I dont date just to have someone..or to get to know them. I date when I know I am deeply in some kind of feeling for them...when I can feel that I'll fall in love with them. Which has only happened twice. So I guess inexperience of relationships is good and bad. I've always been proud that I dont date around and Im a committed person, but being that Im 16 and fell in love the way I did..theres bound to be problems because of my age. I do lack maturity when it comes to things because I can be a selfish person. I dont want to be known for being ONLY selfish though. I care about people on such a high level. I think my problem is that I just dont SHOW it all the time. I think about people and worry about loved ones more than a lot of people do...but I have a hard time expressing myself to certain people...and then a hard time keeping myself from expressing too much to the people I've loved in a different way. I need to learn my boundaries. With time I hope to improve, I really do. Thats not all bullshit. For my own benefit and the sake of my relationship I want so badly to grow up. lol. Age is really just a number sometimes because I wont be 18 for two years, but I CAN easily learn from what just happened yesterday,...and small things that occured today and keep it in mind later down the road. So far I have learned a lot about being with someone whose a lot older than me. It seems like Im learning slowly because theres so much about me that remains "not old enough"...but really its a lot faster than people my age have to grow up because 16 year old usually just date other lame and immature 16 year olds.

So he left. Work was awful last night but in a way so good because it got my mind of him for the MOST part. lol. I was still thinking about him of course...but having a responsibility and a duty to DO made it less affecting. There were some moments where I'd stop and it'd get to me so badly I'd feel tears coming because I knew he wouldnt be there when I got home...but then I'd ignore it and move on. It all came back to me when I finally got him on the phone. I had ran across the parking lot for a payphone and he didnt pick I stood outside trying to get him to answer. Negative. I had to ask another new girl at work to use her cell phone. I just wanted to hear his voice, let him know what was going on, etc. Except on the phone nothing came out of my mouth. I didnt know WHAT to say. What I was praying forwas that he'd surprise me at home and I'd be ok again. Did I deserve it? Nope. Was it selfish of me? Yep, once again. Do I think he'd ever do it? I really dont know now. But I do love him and he put a lot of time into me this week. It means a lot. The things he goes through. I guess thats where I realize that Im not as appreciative as I should be. I need to stop being scared when he says no to something...especially because he says yes to SO many other things that he does to make me happy. When he says no I shouldnt be shocked because he cant always do everything to please me. There will always be things I need to work on...things that arent perfect in our relationship...but at the end of the day it comes down to what we've been through and how our love has grown. I ask myself if my love surpasses all the negatives...and they do. As long as he feels the same, I wont feel bad and kicking myself in the ass forever about the things I do wrong, or the things he does wrong. Right now I feel a weird feeling, an emptiness because I still get TINY bad vibes from him. Its like hes trying to put what happened out of his mind even though theres some part of him that was affected by what happened. I expected that. I hoped it wouldnt happen but I did expect it. Its my fault. I just keep saying that I cant take it back though so either he can move on with me and let me be sorry for a while...or he can ignore it and sooner or later it'll all have to be expressed. I feel bad, I really do. We've been through too much for me to be dumb about one thing. But theres no doubt that yesterday was hard for me. Extremely extremely extremely. After writing about what moments we did share while he was here though, it helped me remember and feel better even just for a few minutes. All the happiness I felt when he was here...and that big thing of hurt when he left....I really cant be that upset. But now he can because of the big deal I turned it into.

I needed somewhere to get this all out. There will always be more to say when it comes to me but I think I need to stop where I am.

Manuel, if you ever read this..please dont think I tried to hurt you. Please dont think I dont consider and care about your feelings. Thats all I've been thinking about today....and you can feel whatever way you want because I did mess up. Theres going to be times where you cause something that hurts me and times when I do it, such as I did yesterday. Dont forget how much I love and have loved you. I always feel like my bad times stack against the rest and I need you to talk to me about how you feel. I'm going to slowly continue the process of thinking about what I did wrong and apologizing for it for as long as I feel I should be apologizing...and some day will come when its the complete past and wont matter anymore. Problably when I see you again and get to redo everything. Hold you again and make up for it. But for now I still feel awful. -sigh.

Hope your vacation is nice. Im thinking of you. <3

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Thank you Manuel

I feel better now that he listened to what I had to say. This week I have made it harder on myself and..I was really the only one to blame the end of it all. I could sit here and try to explain but theres just too much my mind has been on for days. I wouldnt be able to start and finish and get it out the way I want to. I now have experienced the worst feeling in the world which is disappointing the person I love most. No pain really compares to that and its a scary thing. He knows me better than most people in my life do and in many ways he understands me. If I could take back the way I acted this week I'd do it in a heart beat. Theres a lot I need to do to become a better person.

All I can really say is Im thankful to be with the most amazing person in the world.

Digging my own grave,
Love seems as higher ground.

Im putting myself on breakdown.

And when that feeling hits me,
That another heart is in love with mine,
It's my selfishness,
My wrongful,

My fault I realize.

With all that I can give,
None of which handed,
I fill that negative hole,
Where my self destruct landed.

Rose petal after petal,
I drown it with affection,
Never do I want,
At my hand--ressurection.

I make a promise to myself,
And to him..
The End and a New Beginning.

I promise to try be a better person and learn to communicate in ways that wont hurt me or our relationship. What difficulties I've had this week dont seem to exist when were together in real life...not to this extent...not to where I hurt myself the way I have. Even though we're in love and I wouldnt want you to change yourself for any reason..the reality is that I especially have things to work on or Im going to slowly hurt what we have while we're not together...which would be sad because what we have in real life is more than I could of ever asked for. It completes me and makes me a happier person. Its always amazing. I want you to realize by this that I do truly value what we have and I dont want to affect it anymore. I cant be perfect..but I can try to be a better person and thats what I want to do. I love you more than anything Manuel. I'll live to prove it to you until the day I die.

<3 Thanks again for listening to me today and comforting me. It's helped me more than you can imagine. -kiss.

Dont know.

I couldnt be there. I cant change it. -shrugs

This week turned much different than expected. It honestly feels like my life is different now. Its weird.

Anyways, I cant write much. Feel sick..miss being with him...miss connecting with him. I feel far physically and emotionally from him right now. Its not his fault though. It'll get better...Im just lonely..apart...seperated.

Nothing either of us can do except express ourselves and see what the next day brings. I love him the same...when it gets hard I just go back to lying down on his couch the last night there with him and he said,"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about times I've had with him. Little things like when we fooled around in the grocery store like kids...when we'd play poker together on my bed or on his floor....lying in his bed for the first time. Being in the guest room and cuddling with him, our drive back to my home when we listened to music with eachother and I kept my head rested on him....watching The Final Cut with him and his parents and remembering the smiles he'd pass to me at random moments. Being under the hot water of the shower with his body and getting to feel him and feel completely warm and love. All these thoughts bring me closer to him in memory. It helps a lot. I remember how cute it was to go to Super 88 together. I adored him and felt special. Attending the ASC meeting and thinking to myself most of the entire time,"I am so lucky to share this experience with him"...I remember how he took care of me and offered to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. = P Or the amazing rides we'd share in the car late at night together. Just driving down the dark roads and stopping places with eachother and getting to bond. Waking up to him in the morning...pleasuring him so many times in one night and loving each second of it. Feeling him work me and making an orgasm so intense for me. Feeling his sweaty body on mine and hearing him climax...feeling it in his much we both wanted it. I remember I moved to another couch at his house while we watched poker on tv and he missed me so he came to the couch I was on and I got to lie my head on his chest and cuddle with him.

I feel much better now. I really do.

He really is my life.

I love you Manuel. I cant wait to smile and be the happiest girl in the world with you again. = ) You truly are the most amazing person I've ever known.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Haven't written

Well, I did get to spend a week with him. It's been a week since I've seen him though. A week AND a day. lol. I miss him terribly as always. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. I had an amazing time with him. Every time is incredible and I can't really compare each time to another. But last time I got to experience his life, which I'd love to live rather than my own. I love spending time with him in Mass...walking around Boston in the snow and getting to share things with him I've never shared with anybody else. He's the love of my life and I can't believe how happy he makes me. Enough of this though, the entire entry could very possibly turn into that mushy stuff. I did have an awesome time with him and I cant wait to see him again.

Right now its 7pm and he was supposed to get out of work at 1 and problably hang out for a bit with the people he works with...I dont know what to expect now. Not sure if I'll see him between now and 8 o'clock. Not sure. But I hope I dont have to wait much longer because I miss having him to talk to. Yesterday I sort of broke down...or I DID...I havent been able to really have a conversation with him all week and thats definitely one of the weak points of having a long distance relationship. But I do appreciate him calling me to check up atleast once or twice a day and tell me whats going on. We get to tell eachother we love one another and its a nice feeling to know that he thinks about me and calls even just for 10 seconds.


It was him. He said he'd be home around 8 or 8:20. = )

Right now my mind is on feeling better. I feel really sick and I dont know why. Bad feeling in my times it goes all the way into my stomach.

I really want to work. I dont want to go to school. Justin came over today and said he'll be going to school with me...that honestly doesnt make me feel any better. -shrugs. Hes going to look for me there and I think in a way it'll be cool because if I feel unsafe and he's around I'll feel a TINY bit better. Its better to walk with a guy than walk alone when your a girl and in a night school with a ton of freaky guys. So ya...I hope it goes well. I am happy that atleast its only night school and not day school, which I never liked. I think it'll be easy. The one thing that upsets me and makes me nervous is that in order to graduate you do something called "Project Graduation" and you basically spend the entire semester or whatever you call it to do a project on ANYTHING you want and at the end you have to present it. I hope that I become comfortable with the ppl in my class, make friends ANDDDD I hope that theres not a lot of people because if there is that'll make it a lot harder for me to complete it. I might just do it on my anxiety disorder. I guess it'd make it easier to present by saying,"Look I have anxiety..this is very hard and heres why" haha.

I cant wait to work though. I really hope I get the job. The guy made it sound like I got it. He liked the answers to my questions, I think I did good. I alsoooo think it makes it look better and gives you better chances when its going to be your first job and you make it clear that you're very willing to work hard and do whats told to be done. I hope this happens. He said I'd problably be getting a call TODAY by his assistant manager but I didnt. He said if she called she'd either schedule an appointment to meet her or have me come back today. They were really busy in there today so I hope she just calls tomorrow or something so I dont have to be anxious about it. Im really not that nervous...I just want the job so I can make some kind of money. I still have things I want to buy Manuel and once I start profitting and making money I'll be able to do that. Im going to have to be careful tho and put money aside for things as well. One thing I want to talk to my parents about is if I can spend my first few paychecks on what I want. What the fuck kind of fun would it be to only have 50 spending money a week? No. I'll spend my first couple checks and then I'll save...but really 50 dollars isnt enough for me to have to spend a week. I need it to see Manuel and such. So, ya.

Guh Im definitely bored. Im typing my mind away. I think I feel sick because I napped today...WITH my shoes on and evveryyything so I woke up really hot and now I have a headache. Sucks. If I didnt take a nap I'd feel fine right now. Tired but fine. I'd rather be tired than very awake with a headache. = (

I love you Manuel.

Friday, February 25, 2005


I dont know whats happening from here on. I dont know if he can ever sleep over again and it hurts. I woke up at 8 but decided to sleep late because I didnt feel like being awake. I just wanted to ignore my day because Manuel was supposed to be coming over and its not happening now. So I slept late. Now my mom went to drop some lady off at work and I really want to ask her if he can be here next weekend. What sucks is Ricky isnt even that sick today. He's fine and Manuel COULD be coming over. Right now someone's here and I have no idea who it is. = ( Ugh. Well, I love you Manuel. I hope to see you soon. I miss you terribly.

Not seeing him today...

Well, I havent gone to bed yet but technically its TODAY. Friday. The day I've been counting down to. The day I've been excited for, for two weeks. The day I was going to finally be in Manuel's arms. Get to nap with him and hold him. Kiss his lips and feel his love for me. And its not happening. My parents cancelled it. My brother got the fever and my mom's not feeling well. I don't quite understand how that should interfere with him coming over here. For one, we're not asking my mom to take us anywhere out of her way. We'd be staying in my room hanging out and he wouldnt touch or even go near my brother for any reason. I even offered to do all of my mom's cleaning and work while she layed in bed but the answer was still a no. It got to me so badly today, or "yesterday" that I let my anger consume sadness and disappointment...and I pestered my parents to the point where my dad said he's not allowed to sleep over anymore and I wont see him for a long time. I hope that today he tells me he can spend next weekend over because I know he was pissed last night. I was too. This is hard for me, what the fuck. If this is how its going to be I can't stay here any longer. I can't stand that I cant talk to my dad about anything anymore. He gets home from work and goes in his room. He says I shut myself out from the family but I do not lock my door and they know they can come see me whenever they want. When I attempt to ever talk to my dad it turns into a big "thing" and Im tired of it. A lot of the times he'll sleep when he gets home from work and its extremely difficult to deal with not being able to have someone to talk to. He wonders why we dont have a good relationship. I dont think hes there for me. I have been very lucky to spend the time with Manuel the way I do. When I DO get to see him, he gets to sleep over and its the best. Makes me happier than anything. Now supposedly he wont be over for a long time and if thats true I cannot deal with it. I wont. Its ridiculous. I LOVE him. I gave my virginity to this person and it is NOT easy to wait 2-3 fucking weeks to see him for just two days. Ricky is sick, PEOPLE get sick all the time. It doesnt make me selfish because I want to see my boyfriend this weekend after not seeing him for a while. Yes, I chose this long distance relationship..but thats because I fell in love with the best person in the world. Im not going to give up on him because of this but I would of course like to see him without it being so hard all the time. It shouldnt be as complicated as it always is. Sometimes I truly feel like I cant be here anymore. What got me most tonight was that I went to my parents when they were trying to make me feel a little bit better by saying just a week and I'll have him and they know its hard. I said to them,"Manuel does want me to go over there though. His parents might not be taking their trip because they thought he'd be here and when he's home they usually need to be there." My mom and dad didnt believe that they would just cancel a trip but my dad DID say,"Well then I want to talk to his mom AND his dad and we'll think about letting you go but if his parents arent there were not letting you" So before they went to bed Manuel did try to talk to his mom. I went to my dad and told him that Manuel was talking to his mom about it and my dad freaked. He's like,"WHAT?! Do you know what the answer NO means? Its NO." I was confused because the last conversation we had he said he'd talk to Manuel's mom and dad about it. It ended with him pushing me out of his room yelling "NO" and saying,"I meant for the future, not tomorrow" which is a lie because I specifically said,"Manuel does want me to go over there" as in OPPOSED to him coming HERE tomorrow. Anyways, whatever. Then he got mad because I tried explaining myself and he told me that its going to be so hard for me now and Im not going to get to see him for a long time and that he doesnt want him sleeping over here anymore. He can take me out for a date and go home. I have a bad feeling that the decision still remains but if Manuel isnt allowed to ever sleep over here again Im going to be pissed. Do they not see the wrongdoing in telling a person they can definitely spend the weekend and after they buy their ticket and make plans you tell them a day before that its OFF? For two ppl getting colds/fevers in the family. Ricky doesnt do anything that would affect us anyways. I know the concept of being there for my brother is what pisses them off because they think Im only thinking about myself, but what difference does it honestly make? Manuel still cant be here for ME because Ricky is sick? Thats dumb. And whatever they can say I dont care but maybe if they didnt have excuses for everything all the time and if we werent known as the family who blows things off and never does them, it would sound a little more of a legitimate reason for him not to be here. Last two times it was because the car had problems/it was snowing and he still made it here only because my mom decided to cancel it the DAY he was supposed to be here in which ONE time he was already on a train to the bus station with his phone off and another time in school so I couldnt call him. I cant stand when we call things off and its not only with Manuel, its with everyone. Close friends and family. Its annoying. So, yeah. I am going to be so pissed if he really cant spend a weekend over again. Its very important to me to get that quality time with him. He cant afford to just get here and go home one night and do that all the time and my parents know that. AND we have to wait weeks for one another, it cant just be a few hours that we get out of 14-21 days. No way. My dad says he cant come over until Manuel has a car and can drive me places. So hes going to deprive my boyfriend of me until he has a car? WTF? Do you know how hard that is? He's going to college right now and his life isnt as easy as my dad thinks it is but whatever. Now that it comes down to this it REALLY bothers me that my dad is being so stubborn. Atleast let me see my fucking boyfriend once in a while. Or let me go there. Either way. I dont care. Someday I'll be with Manuel and Im moving out of here. Obviously Im such a nuisance/annoyance and "bitch" so I cant wait to leave.

I MISS my fucking boyfriend and nobody takes it seriously. I love him so much and I have to wait this long just to touch him. Just to get a hug and here the words "I love you" up to my ear. People just dont understand unless they're THERE.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


Im feeling a lot of things right now. For one, I dont want this guy here. Its annoying. For two, Im hungry and still need to exercise so its a battle with depression. Three, I really want to watch a good movie but the ones we have Im waiting for Manuel to watch them with me. FOUR, I dont even know if he can come over because my mom is being dumb with the whole thing. He better be able to.

More than anything I could possibly complain about--I miss him. Thats my biggest complaint. Fuck the rest. Im tired of being without him. It's getting to the point where I've felt this exact lonliness too many times and it's getting ridiculous. I want my boyfriend.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Poker Memories from today

iKai: like i said
iKai: i dont mind losing
ditchdoc: I DO
Dealer: iKai has four of a kind, Kings
Dealer: Game #1246861657: iKai wins pot ($1.99) with four of a kind, Kings
iKai: thank you
Ratbastard1: wow
ditchdoc: VNH
Ratbastard1: great hand
iKai: first four of a kind ever
ditchdoc: bonner hand
iKai: im new to poker

Finally got up to like 10.00, which is good for me. I was also playing at 20 cent tables so, ya. I decided I was tired of being so careful and I felt like abusing fake chips...

Joe Dirt 24: sorry
Joe Dirt 24: thats strong
iKai: nahhhh
iKai: never
FMA_09: yeah, wtf?
iKai: just looks it
iKai: WTF nothing
iKai: call it or...whatever
iKai: jesus ppl really do take this too seriously
iKai: Here. Im gonna lose now. YAY.
Dealer: booboo43 has a pair of Fours
Dealer: iKai has a pair of Jacks
Dealer: Game #1247064397: iKai wins side pot (4650) with a pair of Jacks
iKai: pfft
iKai: too easy.

So, I won 8,000 fake chips in first three hands. I decided to hit a bigger table to see what happened.

iKai: here to lose all my fake chips
iKai: = )
ss4 kakarot: do what
iKai: ...?
iKai: lose all my fake chips.
iKai: haha
iKai: time to go to bed i always lose them and then restart next day
iKai: ; )
iKai: got this 8,000 in first three hands at last table
iKai: so i have to lose them now
ss4 kakarot: okay
iKai: going all in
iKai: g2g to bed
ss4 kakarot: =]
iKai: server lagging
iKai: ...thats sad
iKai: cmon one and only hand
iKai: and im out
iKai: need to get rid of these
iKai: grrrr
iKai: ugh
Dealer: mbxchips has a full house, Kings full of Tens
iKai has a full house, Kings full of Aces
Dealer: Game #1247144909: iKai wins pot (22120) with a full house, Kings full of Aces
iKai: = )

First hand. Only hand. Beat him with a fullhouse full of Aces. SO funny.

Just got a call from Manuel to check in with me. He's out playing poker with friends. Was nice to hear his voice. *smile* I shouldnt of said,"If you wont be home til 6 I'm going to bed" cuz hes like,"Ya just go to bed. I dunno when I'll be home" haha. NOOOOOOOOOO. = ( Waited this long. lol. Oh well. Im waiting, I dont care. -shrugs. Really dont. I wouldnt be happy if I went to sleep and had to face my day sooner. I'd rather be awake and enjoy knowing that I'll have him before I have to go thru a problably shitty day tomorrow.

But yep. Good night with poker. lol.

I love him. I miss him....but I love him more....but I DO miss him. ; )

Saturday, February 19, 2005

I got candy in my heels tonight, baby

Today was cool. Got to go to a birthday party and oops I just spelt bitchday...eek. lmao. Yea it was at RonARoll...pretty fun. The guy recognized me, one of the guys that works there and skates on the rink to help ppl. He said,"Are there going to be any injuries today?" lol. So bad. Then the guy who got my blades asked if pink would be ok. I said it wasnt my preference but uh...whatever...and he's like,"Oh wasnt sure with the whole punk/skater thing going on"..Im like,"Uh well I dont really classify myself as anything but..ok...can I just get the black blades?" So dumb and my bro got stuck with "pink" skates which were actually purple.

I took Tia around..and Juliette. It was cute. Got to skate with mom, Denixa, Brianna and Ariel. Haven't bladed in like half a year and I was still fine at it. I dont think I've evverrrrrrr forgotten how to do it. Always the same where I left off no matter how long it's been. I didn't fall once. I NEVER fall. I challenge Manuel to go blading with me and see who falls first or at all. I can go fast and still glide between the tightest spaces without knocking anyone over or myself.

You do find some people on the rink that sort of...challenge you without actually SAYING anything. And then you find yourself racing. haha. There were two guys there..problably my age but I think they were younger. They always went by me and whenever I got in front of them they started speeding up. I think one of them was trying to look cool and right in front of me he fell so it was like,"HA! HA!" Hilarious. So ugly too. My mom told me they were looking at me and when they walked by Im like,"Uhhh ugly ugly ugly" haha and then they walked back the other way.

I missed Manuel the ENTIRE time. I didnt stop thinking about him for a second. My mom even said,"We're you picturing him there or something because you were out there skating alone for the longest time" and I was. I was skating alone for soo long and the entire time I was just relaxing and imagining him there with me or watching me. -shrugs. Dorky I guess.

He's going out to see Constantine tonight with his brothers. I saw the first preview for that IN theaters with him so I wish I could see it with him for the first time but I cant do EVERYTHING with him so its cool hes going out with the guys to see it. Im going to see movies with him when he gets here so it'll be nice.

= )

What can I say? Im in love and its been dayyysss since I've seen him. I bet a normal relationship couldnt do what we do. They're used to seeing eachother everyday. Being close. Just having more opportunities than him and I have but we still have an awesome relationship. Better than any I've ever had and it's long distance. We both are honest with eachother and we aren't unfaithful. Im thankful for that. As MY OWN person, I only truly want his love. Makes me happier than anything else in this world.